I have a midterm(?) tomorrow, I haven't studied, I'm sitting here frustrated and alone. I miss him, I want him here with me, or to at least call and say "I'm so sorry, I love you", and for everything to be okay again. I don't know if prayers are answered, sometimes I feel like they are but right now... there's just one thing in the world that I want, and it's for the "I dunno"s to stop and for that phone call to happen... the one where he can't stand to not hear my voice, cause he's sorry that he did this and he loves me and everything's okay because he loves me and now he can come and hold me and we can watch stupid movies and cuddle in the dark of my room... I don't know if I'll ever get that again, I don't know if he's lying or if he's telling the truth sometimes, I feel like he is but I always doubt myself, I even doubt myself, I doubt facts, I doubt reality, I doubt everything because if I doubt things enough then maybe the truly bad things will be doubted and will come out untrue... and the good things will be a pleasant surprise.
Why can't I just have this? Is it so hard? Why can't I go back and be the way I used to be, why can't I have him back and have him love me the way he did, the way he maybe still does, why does he have to be scared? What did I do to deserve this? Why do I deserve pain and suffering, why do I deserve to be so alone and scared because I don't know if I'll ever get him back? Why is it that there were so many promises and sweet words that may never be kept and I may never be again?