Sometimes I stare up at the night sky and my anger fades as the twilight of the world settles upon my shoulders like a cool, yet warm blanket. Bathed in the darkness that lays upon my mind, I think of you, a lesson of love and pain. Gentle caresses and scalding hot tears that erase every memory I've ever had until I am on my knees in pain. A torrent of crying silence hits the page with fervor, faster than the ink that flows from my pen as I look into the horizon and contemplate my destiny; my future. I wonder as I watch the past if I've ever committed to any action, any promise I've ever made. If I've upheld my honor and spirit throughout the pain. You've taught me that.. given me the integrity that I hold to.
It disappears the moment the blade digs into my flesh.
It's funny how sometimes life looks into your eyes backwards, conforming to its own rules and shattering yours as if they are meaningless drivel in a dirty creek that flows with my own blood. Sometimes I think of you when I cut. Oh, but how can I think of you? You are the embodiment of my soul, my life, my happiness, my love. And sometimes, yes, my pain. It aches that so few of my senses can fully experience the release I feel with the blade. I feel cold, sharp pain... I smell and taste and see my warm blood. But I cannot hear it...
What does a cut sound like? You would know. You know everything.
So I stare into the night sky, over and over again, every night desperately wishing for a new life, one where I am innocent and loved unconditionally. I take in brothers as if they were pieces of candy, a reward for being good, though I know I am far from it. I watch the purity of the stars, wishing that bathing myself in blood would cause my soul to become pristine and new again. Wishing that the pain would go away.
And then I remember what it feels like to be held, and I feel guilty.
So I sit here at my computer, typing away at the white screen, cold and lifeless like my insides. I can feel my heart beating in my chest, how I struggle for breath and how everything is darkened and cold now, and I think of you.
And then I look at the sky.
I take a final breath as you wash over me, an eternity of lies (mine) and love (ours). I tried so hard to be wonderful, but the anxiety and the depression caused so many fake "I'm fine"'s... but I tried. And now I try again, try to be one with the sky.
The tears hit the paper as my body grows silent.
You've taught me honor and love, courage and pain. You are everything and nothing; none of us are anything but nothing in this little world, speckles of light and darkness on a distant planet in the spiral's arm of the galaxy, and yet you are everything to me. I love and I lie but I love most of all... and now it's time to rest. The tiny stars fade from my vision as the world grows black, and the only word on my lips now is your name. I whisper it, a prayer of hope and love, as it fades to black.