I am lost
now. It seems like there's nothing left in the world and at times there
is no hope, only shallow need and the greed of the world (how can you all
be so selfish? There is nothing for you here.) and I'm helpless. There's
everything and nothing I can do and the world spins without me, I'm left
behind waiting and stranded. The one person I actually wrote to, about my
problems, with my stories, and sick, twisted poetry is long gone, off to a
place where he's in danger (and there is nothing else to say). I don't
want to talk to anyone else but such a select few that will not drain what
little energy I have left. I feel like I'm perpetually falling through a
thick mud filled with sorrows and fatigue, a blazing inferno of delicate
hatred and rage, dark hearts and blind souls that can no longer walk in
front of themselves (pride is such an ugly sin) because we are worthless.
It seems as if everything that is done or said is echoed and questioned;
it seems as if every choice and thought and emotion I have is echoed by
malicious intent, a hidden voice in the corner of my mind screaming the
opposite in desperate whispers, wishing harm and malice on us all. I feel
torn. Split. Partitioned. As if a veil has come down over my eyes and
in front of me, shielding me from the world and putting a roadblock of
distance between us. And yet this shield leaves me cold and distant
instead of happy. There is nothing for me there. It feels as if it is an
utter no man's land, a wasteland scattered with bodies that I cannot cross
to come home. I wait behind these curtains with someone or something I
can't identify as my mind is tugged around on a leash of barbed wire and
ugly lies. (will i ever be beautiful to your soul) And sometimes I
wonder if I'll ever feel again; and I mean truly feel without this
separation. As if the screen door just won't open and it slams shut in my
face every time. Confusion; disorientation. Time and space are lost to
me. So many hours and minutes... where does the day go? It seems as if
I've just woken and it's almost time to sleep.