Starting in on the Alphabytes craze.
a�tone�ment
n.
Amends or reparation made for an injury or wrong; expiation.
It's so easy for others to say "Oh - you haven't done anything wrong. You don't need to feel guilty!" Or, indeed, to place all of the blame squarely on me. But I can't help who and what I am, and I can't help that the guilt lays itself on me so heavily. I keep having to forgive and forget - myself. But how does one forget oneself? I can't purge myself of the unending horror that is myself, I can't keep myself from feeling the fake niceties that make up daily consumption - "How are you? I'm fine, thanks, the world is bright and merry, everything is all right..." And yet I sit here and wonder because I can't figure out for the life of me WHY I hate myself this much.
And so -
Atonement.
Though right now, I can't give myself this relief -
Each cold slice through tepid skin reminds me that I am indeed alive and we all make mistakes. Forgiveness in blood? Perhaps. But it lets me breathe easy through the night when my soul would be plagued with nightmares.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.